Blah Blah Blah...

It's my birthday tomorrow, and the reason that's of note (other than this being my blog and all... meaning anything I want can be of note) is because this is the first birthday I've ever felt trepidation about.

My boss told me today... 'Anon... no matter what, tomorrow will come, and you will be XX.'

Basically, it was 'just deal with it' sugar coated.

I'd like to say that I have no clue why this birthday bothers me. I really would. The fact is that I know exactly why this birthday is bothering me.

Why?

Well... where shall we start...

Oh! How about...

This isn't where my life was supposed to be...

or

Why don't I know what the hell I'm doing? Shouldn't I know by this point??

I moved to Winnipeg with the plan to just make it work. I've been wanting to move back here for a really long time and it just got to the point where I figured I might as well move and just... make it work. But. Things aren't working out like I had hoped and I'm frustrated and angry and bitter.

I worked really hard at my last job. I put in a lot of personal time and dedicated a lot of my energy to it only to be treated like absolute shit in the end. This irritates me because it taints all of the good memories that I have of those times and makes me feel less proud of my achievements. It makes me bitter and angry and wary of expending that amount of dedication and energy again. I know that sounds childish and silly, but it's how I feel.

So, all in all, this is a birthday filled with doubt and confusion... and maybe a bit of wallowing over the fact that I'm not where I want to be just yet.

I'm just... angry. Like a four year old or something. And I don't like it.