Happiness

I read over my blog posts from the last few months awhile ago and noticed that I was in a shitty mood almost all of the time. I mean, it's not like I was naive, but it was a little eye opening.

I've been working on being happier. I did go through a rough time. It wasn't peaches. But that doesn't mean I have to be miserable now.

One of the things I've started doing is dating.

Oy.

Now, I'm sure anyone who has been out of the dating pool for a significant amount of time can relate to my 'oy'.

I know this is going to sound melodramatic, but I've just started to realize that me and the person that I thought was it for me aren't going to get married. It's not quite as pathetic as it sounds... he's only just started to realize the same thing. It would be worse if I was the only one left hanging on.

This is a big revelation for me. I've dated between me and the ex's on and off stints. But I've never dated with a purpose.

Now, that's not as whore-ish as it sounds. I'm not the type of girl who sleeps with random men and that wasn't my goal in dating without a purpose.

I just never looked at things in a long-term sense. Now, I've started looking for the it person again. It's clicked in my brain that I hadn't actually found him, and I'm dating differently. I'm dating with a purpose. Not to be less lonely or kill time.

I know this will sound really stupid, but I think I experienced about as close to a divorce as I could possibly get without being married. I really honestly thought that that person was it for me. I planned out my life. Based my decisions on him. I moved to another province for him. And to move away from that took an awful lot of will power. To separate myself from the idea of what we could have took even more effort.

In simpler terms, it took me a really stupidly long time to move on completely.

I think we're all allowed one horrendous breakup. I've certainly had mine. And I've learned a lot from it.

I've learned that basing my life on what someone else wants is retarded.

I've learned tolerance.

I've learned how important it is to be kind with another persons' heart.

I never, ever want to make another person feel the way I felt. I never, ever want to cause someone to hurt as much as I hurt. And I think I'll be a better partner because of it.

So, dating. We'll see how it goes.