Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

There were some changes at work today that changed my job description. Basically, in the spirit of giving me more time to do my main task, something that I enjoy doing was taken away. It's really a mixed bag. Part of me needs the time and part of me wants to scream and yell. I've been very busy at work lately and it's obviously not working... I need to focus on my main task... but at the same time, I don't want to give up something that I love.

I had an honest conversation with my APD today about it and pretty much reminded him that although I know they're not going to change their minds, what was being changed was something that enticed me to come out here. Basically, it was a bit of a hold over of my old job to the new job because I didn't want to give up all of my old job up. It was something that was part of the package when I moved out here and I just feel like it's been taken away piece by piece.

So, he asked -- very politically correctly -- if I was thinking of doing this thing ever again. Which really meant that he was asking if I was looking at leaving. I told him that if I ever did this thing again, I would hope that it would be with the same company but that I wasn't sure. Very uncomfortable considering that the APD is actually a good friend.

I'm good at being talent. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm a good DJ. I moved up the on air ladder quite quickly and when I moved out here, I gave most of that up. I listen to shows from when I was really good and I feel... upset. Because since I'm not doing that sort of thing all the time, I feel that I'm off my game and out of practice and maybe not as good as I used to be. But I also struggle with the public part of being a DJ -- always being on -- you might laugh, but it's actually kind of awful if you're a little shy like I can be. I struggle when I'm in front of a crowd. I struggle when random people approach me in superstore. I struggle when wackos memorize my bio off the station web site or ask me out via the request line. I struggle with a whole lot of things that come naturally to most on air talent. I'm not anti social... but I'm also not the most outgoing person, so that's why I moved away from that social aspect a bit. But for whatever reason, I'm now struggling with not being talent.

I have a choice to make. This career is going to get me through school, so I'm going to be in it for quite awhile longer (maybe forever) and I need to think long and hard about what makes me feel happiest. Am I willing to give up the talent part of my job? Or, am I willing to force myself into situations that I feel uncomfortable with to keep that aspect of my job?

I've always said that I've never wanted to do a morning show. A morning show is the epitome of success. I've never done it full time. I did a two month stretch once when a DJ was very sick and worked with a co-host that I had no chemistry with and I think that turned me off. Plus, by 11 AM, I didn't want to talk to me because I was so damn grouchy. But, now, I think that I might really want to get there some day. I want to be able to say that I did it.

I don't know why all of these thoughts are hitting me now. Confusing.