Worrying

I've been doing a lot of worrying lately. It seems that although making a school decision has freed up some brain space, I'm now using that space to worry. I worry about school, I worry about the decision, I worry about my career... but mostly, I've been worrying about my writing. It's actually quite logical considering that I've made the decision to depend on it.

I have a screenplay that I've been working on all summer. The first draft came very quickly... within two weeks... the editing has been torture. The ending needs to change. I know how and why. But I'm weary to actually change it. It seems stupid. I always save a new version when I make significant changes, so I can always change it back. Duh. The thing is... I really like how it ends right now. I really love it. But I know that for other people to love it, it needs to change. It wraps up too quickly and although I understand what's going on because it's all in my head, I feel that other people might need a bit more. I think that it's good that as a writer, I can see what needs to change in my writing even when I love what I've written. What I worry about is the fact that sometimes, what I write is off from what I know other people will like. If you're just writing for you, go ahead and write whatever the hell you want, but when you're writing with the hope that other people will read and love your work, it's so much more than just writing what you like. I worry that maybe what I like is too far off from what other people like.

As a writer, I can see the beauty in killing off a character. For example, on Atlantis, fans were up in arms over the death of their beloved doctor. Here's the thing... the story was sad and cruel and heartbreaking... but wasn't that sort of the point? Although I can see the beauty in the story, I find myself shying away from those themes in my own writing. That worries me.

I worry about other people reading what I write. This is extremely problematic. It's not that I can't take criticism. I really can. My worry goes beyond that. I worry that things will never happen for me. Having people read/reject my work enforces that worry. I know that this fear is completely ridiculous, but still -- I worry.

You'd think that making a decision would be freeing, but it's really not. It just opens up a whole new can of worms.