Short Film Hell

I once produced a short film. By the end of it, I was ready to spontaneously combust. I spent most of my time on set babying the hippy director (he thought he was ubber cool because he'd pulled cables on an episode of The X-Files). He couldn't follow a schedule to save his life and we were so behind that it was ridiculous. At one point, I came on set to see him literally setting up a shot under a bathroom stall door and up actor's nose. We were almost a day behind and he was shooting up someone's nose. I'm not even kidding. Tragically, the lighting couldn't be 'figured out' and the lighting guy was able to convince him that the shot would never work. Tragic.

I think my shining moment was when I almost killed the guy who was pushing the snack cart. See, I'd spent all morning trying to get this shot set up (which wasn't my job). I cajoled. I threatened. I pleaded. Finally, we were ready to go. The actors were all in place (and dressed). The slate was ready to go. The camera was ready. Lights. Camera... SNACK CART! Snack Cart Guy came down the hall and hollered:

"Hey, anyone hungry?"

I lost it. My actors started to bolt for the snack cart and I took off faster than Donovan Bailey and chased the snack cart down the hallway, complete with flailing arms. I probably looked like a crazed lawn sprinkler.

Every once in a while, I IMDB that crazy director. Nothing ever comes up. I wonder why.